Although emotional intelligence is a complex subject, it can be boiled down into a simple definition.  My definition of choice is as follows:

Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize, pay attention to, understand, and effectively engage with emotions in a manner that helps you achieve your preferred outcomes.

That’s a simple definition of emotional intelligence, but the next logical question is - What does it take to become emotionally intelligent?

To answer this question, it’s helpful to first understand how your emotions fit into a bigger picture.

How Emotions Fit into the Bigger Picture
Did you know there is a thought behind every emotion that activates?  You may not always be consciously aware of your thoughts but that’s how emotions work.  They activate in response to the thoughts you are thinking.

For example, let’s say your company announces upcoming layoffs.  In response to the announcement, you might think “Yikes!  My job is probably at risk.”  In response to that particular thought, Anxiety might activate.

Consider this.  In response to the same announcement, someone else could think something entirely different.  For example, “Yahoo!  This is a great opportunity for a severance package!”  In this example, Excitement is likely to activate.

Two different thoughts that lead to two different emotions.

Furthermore, in addition to there being a thought behind every emotion, there’s also an emotion behind every action you take.  In other words, your emotions directly influence your behavior.

Using the same example, the person whose Anxiety is active might respond by nervously calling other co-workers to see if someone has more information, or they might start updating their resume.

But the person whose Excitement is activate will act differently.  This individual might start looking at new cars, consider donating to a favorite charity, or start thinking about a dream vacation.

Two different emotions that lead to two different actions (aka behaviors).

That’s how emotions fit into the bigger picture.  Your mind thinks a thought and an emotion activates.  In response to the active emotion, you take action by behaving a certain way.

Subject Matter Expertise
Based on this understanding of how emotions fit into the bigger picture, the need for specific subject matter expertise in three specific areas of focus becomes very apparent.  If you want to be able to recognize, pay attention to, understand, and engage with emotions in a manner that helps you achieve your preferred outcomes, it’s going to require a level of knowledge in:

• Thought Management
• Emotional Literacy and
• Acting Intentionally

But knowledge and subject matter expertise aren’t enough.

Skills
I’m sure you’ve had the pleasure (insert sarcasm) of meeting someone who can “talk the talk but they can’t walk the walk.”  That’s another way of saying the individual may have the knowledge to discuss a subject, but they don’t have the skills to actually apply their knowledge.

When it comes to emotional intelligence, you absolutely need a foundation of knowledge (aka subject matter expertise) in the three identified areas of focus.  But you also need a set of skills to support your ability to apply this knowledge in meaningful ways.

Think of it this way… Before you get behind the wheel of a car, you need to build a foundation of knowledge.  For example, no passing on the right, obey speed limits, and yield to pedestrians.  You will also need to develop skills like judging the distances between cars, parallel parking, merging onto highways, and determining reaction times.  If you want to be a good driver, you need a combination of knowledge and skills.  There’s no two ways around it.

The same holds true for emotional intelligence.  Remember, the goal is to be able to talk and walk!

Summary
Although emotional intelligence is a complex subject, there is a simple way to understand what it is and what it takes to become emotionally intelligent.

It starts with a clear and practical definition that’s easy to understand.  Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize, pay attention to, understand, and effectively engage with emotions in a manner that helps you achieve your preferred outcomes.

From there, based on the logical relationship between your thoughts, emotions, and actions, you need to acquire subject matter expertise in those three areas of focus:

• Thought Management
• Emotional Literacy
• Acting Intentionally

Finally, it comes down to developing the specific skills it takes to become emotionally intelligent.